When I was in 6th grade, I had my first pet, a little grass yellow dog.
My mother and I found it on the side of the road to my grandmother’s house in the countryside, and the yellow hair on its body was dirty, and it not only jumped on us, but also yelled at us.
We took it back to grandma’s house, gave it a bath, and poured out two basins of black water.
Mom went to the village supermarket to buy milk powder for it, and grandma said that the earth dog was so delicate, so she mixed the leftovers from noon and put it in front of it.
The puppy eats a mouthful of leftovers, stops, and goes to drink milk, jumping back and forth between the two bowls, the hair on its mouth is soaked into milky white, I wipe its mouth and it does not hide, just like that, it became my first pet.
It doesn’t recognize life at all, it likes to chase people and bite its trouser legs and shoes, and sometimes when it gets bored, adults will kick it, and it doesn’t get angry, but just turns its head and bites me, and it knows that I never want to kick it.
But it made my mom dislike it even more, it always bit holes in my trouser legs, and my mom had to fix it for me, “It’s a hassle to have a dog.” She said that every time she mended her pants.
The summer vacation was coming to an end soon, and the dog was getting a lot bigger and stronger, and one day while playing, he accidentally bit me through his trouser leg, and blood gushed out from his ankle, and I cried out in pain.
My grandfather was the first to rush to the yard and kicked it several meters away, and my mother and grandmother came to clean my wounds and said they would take me to get vaccinated.
Grandpa angrily said that once the dog bites, it can’t stay, and the beast will always remember it if he tastes blood.
I quickly said that it was playing with me, that it didn’t mean to, and that the dog seemed to know that he had done something wrong, and cowered in the corner and didn’t move.
My mother picked me up and was about to go out, and told me to leave the dog alone and go to the city to get vaccinated first, and it would be too late to get vaccinated.
When I came back, the neighbor’s uncle was there, and I asked him where the dog was, and he said that he had already slaughtered it and thrown it up the mountain.
I cried and asked him to take me to find it, but where would the grown-ups listen to children?
And just like that, I lost my first pet.
After graduating from college, I met my first M, also a “little milk dog”, two years younger than me.
When we were together, he called my sister, no matter how unpalatable the things I cooked, he praised me for doing a good job, and occasionally the social animals worked overtime until late at night, and I could also receive the milk tea he ordered for me.
When I played, he was like the dog who had just been rescued the night, and he shivered at the slightest fiddling, which greatly stimulated my desire to protect, and I wanted to take him into my arms and kiss Ruarua.
But it didn’t last long, and soon I found out that he was hooking up with a girl from his own school behind my back.
In the chat log, they were commensurate with each other, and they also called me a big grudge, saying that I didn’t have to do anything, so I spent money on him, bought clothes and shoes for him, said that I ate soft rice and hard food, and relied on my own charm to stun me.
I held back my anger and asked him if this was cheating?
For the first time, he looked at me with a look of contempt and said, “Are you all playing SM?” If you still cheat and don’t cheat, what is pretending to be pure?
This reminds me of when I was a child, when the puppy looked at me when he was dying, he also made a mistake, one was simple and afraid, and the other was arrogant and shameless.
is also in the face of a sincere heart, who is more dog than a dog? Sometimes it’s really hard to tell.
At that time, I remembered what my grandfather said, “If a dog bites, you can’t stay, and if the beast tastes blood, it will always be remembered.” ”
So I decisively broke up with him and asked him to disappear from my life.
Occasionally, I would cry sadly late at night, but I learned to comfort myself with my mother’s words, “It’s really troublesome to have a dog.” ”
When I was in the second year of junior high school, because I was the first in the class, my mother bought me a dog, which was a very big and beautiful Samoyed, and I named it “Xiaobai”.
Xiaobai was bought by her mother from a dog dealer.
That afternoon, my mother was downstairs playing mahjong with a neighbor when a man on an electric scooter stopped in front of the mahjong table and asked, “Do you want a dog?” Hurry to shoot, 200 yuan. ”
Mom is also a knife-mouthed tofu heart, because she didn’t want it to be sent to a dog meat restaurant, so she paid for it.
Xiaobai is a well-trained dog who never poops and pees at home, but again, does not eat anything we prepare.
Ever since my mother bought it back, it has only drunk water, not eaten, neither played with me nor made noise, but just squatted in the doorway, its eyes full of melancholy.
Mom said it was homesick and wanted to be her true master.
But I don’t want to let it go back, my first dog is dead, I won’t give my dog to anyone again, I want to have this beautiful Samoyed, protect him, love him, and be with him forever and ever.
Mom said don’t love it first, find a way to make it eat first.
So my mother took its mouth and told me to shove the ham sausage down its throat.
For the first time, Xiaobai barked loudly and bowed to prevent any of us from approaching him. It arched the ham intestine far away, and then continued to curl up in the doorway.
Mom said that if it doesn’t eat tomorrow, it will have to be put away to see if it can find its way home.
I couldn’t sleep at all that night, sitting at the door with Xiaobai, crying and begging him for something to eat, completely ignoring the fact that I didn’t do my homework and had to go to school the next day.
Perhaps it was my tears that moved it, but at about eleven o’clock in the evening it came and licked my hand, and I thought it might be trying to eat something salty, so I immediately peeled a new ham sausage and gave it a new sausage, and this time it devoured it.
I shouted happily in the living room, shook my mother up again, and told her that Xiaobai had eaten and that there was no need to give it away.
Xiaobai is really a well-trained dog, it can sit, it can shake hands, it loves to be clean, it can understand me calling its name, I come back to accompany it every day after school, let it stay under the chair when I do my homework, and even hold it when I sleep.
After more than a month, my mother and I felt that he had adapted to our family, so we bought him a leash and prepared to take him out for a walk.
I ordered it to sit down and put on a leash, but at the moment of opening the door, it finally smelled the breath of freedom as if it had tasted the courage for a long time, and every cell in its body was full of strength, and rushed out without warning, because the leash was on my wrist, the huge force dragged me out of the door, and my hand and leash were stuck on the iron railing of the stairs and I couldn’t move.
At this time, Xiaobai tore the leash like crazy, struggled and swayed, ignoring all instructions, and stuck my hand more and more deadly, without the slightest intention of retreating.
When my mother saw my hand stuck in the stairs, she was so frightened that she quickly brought scissors to cut the leash of the dog. My hand was finally freed, and Xiaobai disappeared without a trace.
I chased downstairs, then to the alley, and then to ask all the shops on the side of the road if I saw a big white dog passing by.
The aunt of the commissary happened to be the neighbor who played mahjong with my mother on the day she bought the dog, and she told me that such a smart dog is not familiar with it, if you are really good for it, don’t try to get it back, its real owner must be dying, we wish it not to be caught by dog dealers on the way back.
I remember tears rolling in my eyes, and I obviously didn’t understand what it meant to “let go” at that time.
And just like that, I lost my second pet.
After being hurt by the first scumbag, my suspicion and possessiveness grew day by day.
Unfortunately, this insecurity hurts the next relationship.
I asked my second m to check my phone every day.
The daily itinerary, what clothes to wear, what to eat, and who to meet have to report to me.
At first, he was passionate and comfortable with me, but as time went on, he began to complain to me that he was being controlled too much.
I challenged him in line with the policy of “I didn’t promise it at the beginning, but now I’m starting to feel uncomfortable when I’m done”:
“Aren’t you a pet? Then take out the appearance of being a pet. I just need to be obedient and don’t need to refute. ”
“Accept the rules or leave, there are no negotiable options.”
One day he took a picture of the diagnosis and said that he seemed to be moderately depressed.
I replied to him, “What do you mean by taking pictures of me?” Did the implication be caused by me? And you say, “How have I done you wrong?” I gave you the keys to my house, and I drove the car for you, but whenever I have a hot meal, when will you ever eat it cold? ”
It took him a long time before he replied to me, and he said that he didn’t mean anything else, just to think if he could take a leave of absence and go out to relax and play alone for two days.
Hearing that he wanted to go alone, I thought of Xiaobai, who was not familiar with him, and my wrist seemed to start aching, and my emotions exploded without warning.
I called him and asked:
“Am I treating you badly? Why would you want to leave me behind and play alone? ”
“What are you doing after so long to reply to me? You’re going to give me a reasonable explanation. Come to my house right now, show me your phone, and I’m going to check if you’re hooking up with someone else. ”
My hysteria seemed to scare him as well, and he immediately drove to me and handed me the phone while saying “don’t be angry, master”.
In the middle of the night, there was no light on in the living room.
We sat on the couch, I flipped through his phone, and he buried his head and didn’t say a word.
In fact, I also know that the phone can’t be turned over anything, and even if there is really anything, he won’t be stupid enough to hand it over to me without deleting it.
But none of that mattered, what mattered was that there was always an ethereal leash in the air, holding something I would never have gotten my hands on.
I burst into tears because I found this moment like I was sitting in the doorway with Xiaobai, and I wanted to hold on to it, but it just wanted to slip away.
When he found out I was crying, he asked me in horror what I had found.
I said I agreed. You go play. I’m giving you a holiday.
He was stunned, then thanked me, we hugged at the door, and he left.
Later, he didn’t share with me what he had seen about his journey, nor did he share strange things, in fact, he never contacted me again, just like Xiaobai.
One time I reached out to him, and we had another big fight, and I said he didn’t keep his word, and he said I was a pervert of control.
He said that his depression has gotten better since he left me, and that I should not contact him again.
At that moment, I finally understood what the commissary aunt said: “If you are really good for him, don’t try to get him back.” ”
I deleted his WeChat, let him go, and let myself go.
My earth dog, Xiaobai and two intimate relationships seem to be like this, at first they say that I am good and give everything for them, and then they call me bad and destroy everything for them.
When someone really hurt me, I also raised a spike and hurt others.
Maybe we are no different from animals, in a perpetual cycle of hugging each other and hurting each other.
This reminds me of a passage from Plotinus—
“Man is between the gods and the beasts, sometimes inclined to one and sometimes to the other; Some are becoming more and more sacred, some are becoming beasts, and most remain modest. ”