In 2019, I was studying at a university in Shanghai.
By accident, I learned about BDSM and learned about Spank, the so-called small circle.
At that time, a local activity group was added, maybe the ignorant were fearless, maybe the newborn calves were not afraid of tigers, and I went to participate in their offline activities on the third day of joining the group.
The event is beginner-oriented, introducing Spank’s various safety knowledge, poses and props, and allowing everyone to try out the props on site.
Perhaps it was to see me alone, and a middle-aged man in a suit with combed hair asked me if I could be his temporary partner and practice the spank technique.
I agreed, but I told him that I was a newbie and that I would have to go back to school in a while, so it was inconvenient to leave a trace, and I only wanted to try the lightest small leather paddle, and nothing else.
The gentleman nodded in agreement, and then I got on my stomach and was ready to start my first experience with SP.
The body feeling of the small skin paddle is slightly dull and painful, and the beaten part will also be hot, which is quite comfortable. But after five minutes, my body suddenly changed significantly, the original dull pain suddenly turned into a stinging pain, and I looked up to see that the tool in his hand was no longer a small leather slap, but a heavy whip.
Without asking me in advance, he whipped me twice and laughed and shared his feel and experience with another man.
So much so that I wondered if I was wrong.
It wasn’t until he whipped him two more times that I felt completely offended by being treated as a random test sample.
I was a little blindsided at that moment, I had never had experience dealing with similar situations before.
There were two villains fighting in my head, one said, forget it, just put up with it; The other said, no, no! He did something without my permission! Find a way to reject him!
Growing up, I was a person who didn’t express much rejection, a genius at self-tolerance, and when I wanted to say no, I became so mediocre.
My parents gave me the dishes in my bowl, and I would eat them if I didn’t want to; My friend asked me to help for no reason, and no matter how troublesome it was, I gritted my teeth to help.
So when I lay on the ground, just thinking about rejecting him, my heart was pounding, and I didn’t know what to do.
Does it seem like I’m being pretentious?
Will it interfere with the normal operation of the activity?
Do you think I’m a fuss?
Somehow, my brain became a pulp, and I couldn’t say a word.
The gentleman whipped me a few more times, and seeing that I didn’t refuse, he probably thought I had acquiesced, so he simply changed tools to whip me.
The tool was so big and heavy that it made me shudder to look at.
I had to pretend to pee and went headlong into the toilet to hide.
In the toilet, I washed my face with cold water, told myself that I must calm down, went out and told him loudly, I don’t allow you to do this, but the thought of being in front of so many people, my hands still trembled unconsciously, and as soon as I put it on the toilet doorknob, it softened.
One of my sisters saw that I hadn’t come out for a long time, so she came to the toilet door and asked if I was okay.
I whispered to her what had happened, and said that I didn’t know what to do, and that I was afraid that my own affairs would mess with the event.
The older sister grabbed my hand very forcefully and said, “What are you afraid of! Accustomed to him? Let’s go, I’ll take you to the organizers. ”
So my worst fear happened, the organizers brought the two of us to face each other, and the flow of the event was interrupted, and everyone started to look at us.
The organizer asked the man if he had changed tools and hit me without asking for my permission.
The gentleman gave me a particularly cold look, and then told the organizer that he had asked for my opinion before starting, and I only asked him not to make marks, although he changed the tools, but with his skills, there were absolutely no traces on my body, I don’t believe that I could take off my pants and check by myself, and he has participated in this event many times, and he has never heard of the rule of asking for permission to change tools.
At this time, his friend next to him also began to echo, saying that if there is a change of tool, he has to ask, so how to play?
For a moment I felt like I had been pressed into a muddy swamp, panicked, and couldn’t argue, obviously I told him that I just wanted to shoot with a small skin! Now it’s my fault!
I even anxiously wanted to ask the person next to me if they had heard the conversation between us before.
Luckily, at this point, another sister who had been practicing next to me stood up for me, and she said that she had heard the conversation between the two of us before the start, and I did say that he was only allowed to use a small leather paddle.
So the gentleman stopped quibbling, but began to mingle with the mud, indicating that he might not have heard clearly.
The organizers saw that the atmosphere was relatively stiff, and also wanted us to shake hands and make peace, saying that it might be a misunderstanding.
The gentleman said to the crowd around him, “It’s a small thing, it’s not a big deal,” and at the same time, he turned on his phone and said I’ll send you a red envelope.
Looking at his sleek and skillful appearance, I felt that I was sinking deeper into the quagmire, and if I received the red envelope, I felt like I was deliberately jumping on him.
To be honest, I didn’t want the red envelope at all, and I didn’t want to shake hands with him, I was so aggrieved that I almost cried.
Or the sister who went to the toilet to save me stood up between me and the man, she said, “The first time the little girl came, what is called a misunderstanding, a trivial matter, you have to at least apologize, right?” Do you know what an apology is? Do you know how to respect people? Why do you think everything will be solved by sending a red envelope? It’s with people like you that the activity becomes more and more smoky. ”
Then she turned to me again and said, “Don’t be afraid! If you don’t want to reconcile with him, you refuse, it’s okay, say it out loud. ”
It was the tears that came out first, and then something broke through my throat, and I cried out almost without thinking, “I didn’t authorize you to hit me with other tools, I don’t need you to apologize, I just don’t want to be in the same space with you anymore, I want to either ask you to leave the event or just me to leave the event.” ”
That was the first time I discovered how cool it was to tell the “rejection of my heart” heartily, before I said it, I was constantly suffering from internal friction, I was a slave to it, and after I said it, I was in a good mood, but I became its master.
And what’s even more amazing is that the matter of “speaking out and refusing” not only pulled me out of the quagmire, but also gave courage to those around me.
The man who had helped the man to speak was silent, and several of the people who had been silent came to my side, saying that if he didn’t leave, he would leave with me.
The organizers also stopped talking to the mud and whispered to the man for a while, and finally asked the man and his friend to pack up and leave the event.
And because of this episode, the subsequent activities also completely deviated from the direction.
Everyone began to gather in a circle, telling their experiences of being offended but afraid to speak out, encouraging each other, and a little boy said that I was very handsome when I just spoke, and the organizer also temporarily awarded me a “Best Courage Award” tonight.
This is probably the first time in my life that I have expressed my heart’s rejection correctly, seriously, and seriously.
Strangely enough, this incident has brought a huge change to my life for the rest of my life.
I seem to have been opened up all of a sudden, and I am no longer the cowardly little girl who can’t, is unwilling, and doesn’t dare to refuse others.
The tutor asked me to go buy flowers for her on the weekend, and instead of weakly saying “yes”, I told her that “this is not the responsibility of the student, I need to rest on the weekend.” ”
Even in a relationship, I can generously say “no” to my boyfriend.
“I like SP, but I don’t want to today.”
“Now in the lab, I can’t pat you on the leg.”
I saw a sentence before, the idea of “rejecting others” is very sad at first glance, and it will lead to making others unhappy, right? It makes them dislike themselves, right? But if you think about it, so what? If you’re not happy, what’s the use of others liking you? And then you feel so free.
I think this is also the change that BDSM has brought to me, Haruki Murakami said, “People never grow up slowly, but grow up in an instant.” ”
If someone asks me, I think I’ll also say that I grew up overnight after that mundane event in 2019.