When you look at me, I always avoid your gaze;
When you were far away from me, I looked at your back for a long, long time.
When I was in the study room, I received a WeChat voice call from her.
It was about half past five in the afternoon, and I asked her what was the matter, and she said, “It’s not a big deal, just …… Didn’t I tell you before that I found a master? I’m going to go out with him in a while, but I’m a little scared, if I haven’t messaged you by 9pm, can you come to the xxx hotel to find me. ”
I bit the tip of my pen and said nonchalantly, “OKOK, no problem, but you pay attention to safety, don’t play too much!” ”
After hanging up the phone, I did two more questions, but I felt that my thoughts were blocked, so I simply started playing with my phone.
Still feeling uncomfortable, I took a deep breath and made another voice call to her.
“Hey, I thought about it again, can you… Can you not…”There seems to be a sentence that has been lying in my throat, but I can’t say anything.
As a good friend of hers, it was a blessing that she was willing to share this “secret hobby” with me, but in any case, after going around and finally finding a playmate, it didn’t seem appropriate for me to simply pour cold water on it.
A distant voice came from her side first, “I want two cups of milk tea, yes, one with ice and one without another.” Then the voice quickly approached and gradually became clear, “What did you just say?” I didn’t hear you. ”
Her careless questioning made me more and more timid, and I hid outside the study hall door, my nails digging into my flesh, and finally swallowed the sentence into my stomach. “Well, I’m still not at ease, or I’ll wait near your hotel now, and I can support you immediately if something happens.”
Her voice turned to joy, “Wow, why are you so good!” I declare you to be my best girlfriend in the world. I’ll invite you to drink milk tea later! ”
The air conditioning in the hotel lobby is too much, and I still shiver a little when I sit and swipe my phone.
In fact, I have no intention of swiping my mobile phone, my mind is like a horse lantern, I am thinking, thinking about myself from junior high school, to high school, and then to college, why in the face of the person I like, I will always be a good buddy in the end, a male girlfriend.
Just thinking about it made my palms and forehead sweat.
It just so happened that the clock pointed to 20:30, and she came out of the elevator, and her eyes were just on the spot, so I subconsciously avoided my gaze.
She excitedly rushed over and patted me, with deep rope marks on her arm, “Wow! Let me tell you, it’s so cool to play with rope, it’s the feeling I’ve always wanted to experience! It’s really nice to be tied up tightly! And thanks to you, I can relax and devote myself to it, without all kinds of worries, go, please drink milk tea, I will tell you slowly. ”
I pulled a coat out of my bag and gave it to her to cover the marks on her arms. She danced excitedly to share her joy with me, and her smile seemed to dispel all the gloom of the sun.
After sending her back to the dormitory, I sat in a daze on the flower bed next to the dormitory building, feeling strangely possessive.
From freshman to senior year, I have known her for four years, I know all her likes and interests clearly, we are friends who talk about everything, why, why can someone who has known her for less than a month take her to the hotel?
A black cat jumped out of the grass and crouched down not far from me. I wanted to go over and talk to it, but every time I got closer, it moved away from me until it ran away.
The black cat seemed to wake me up to the thought of my college roommates who I was already in love, from a few months to a year or two, all of them broke up and broke up. All things have spirits, let alone people, it is possible to keep an appropriate distance in order to be together forever.
If the shape-shifting possessiveness gets me too close, she’ll run away too, and that’s more than worth it.
I was afraid that I would never see her warm smile again, that my confession would be rejected, and that I would become a stranger from now on, I figured it out, in order to be together forever, I would rather choose not to be together.
That night I sat downstairs in her bedroom for a long time, and thought about it for a long time, until the lights were dim and everything was lonely.
I forget who said that a crush is a kind of love that you don’t have but are afraid of losing.
I took a deep breath of the dew of the night and turned to leave.
On the weekend, I asked her out to an escape room with a few other friends, and she said her host asked her to attend an in-person event.
I said, “You’re not going to be so sexy, are you?” ”
She replied, “No! When can’t you go to the secret room? I’ll be with you afterwards. But this event is so rare! It is said that there is a very powerful rope master! ”
For some reason, my heart suddenly felt empty and painful, and for the first time in four years, it was like a force pulling her away from me.
I said, “Then I’m going to see the world too, can there be three of us together?” ”
She said, “Of course, together, I’ll tell you!” It’s fun! ”
At the event, I watched her fall into the sea of ropes, sometimes happy, sometimes excited, sometimes dancing in the air, sometimes blurred on the ground.
I’ve never seen her enjoy it so much since I met her.
After it was over, I waited at the door for her to eat and go back to school, and it was the same for countless self-study nights, but this time it didn’t seem to be.
She ran over and said apologetically, “I’m going to have dinner with xx (her s), I can’t be with you!” ”
I pouted, and although I had expected it, the apologies that came out of her mouth still stuck like a knife into my heart.
When she turned around, I said to her, “I’m going to learn rope too.” ”
She glared in surprise, “Oops! What’s wrong? Got me Amway? ”
I said, “yes, I’ve never seen you like that, and I want to figure out what magic it is.” ”
Her face suddenly turned red, “I can’t tell, it’s just …… It’s magical. ”
“Then can I tie you up after I learn it?” Somewhat abruptly, I said something that had been hidden for a long time.
As expected, after saying this, she and I seemed to be thrown into the cold room, and even the smile froze on our faces.
After the atmosphere dropped to freezing, seeing her face was embarrassed, I hurried to play a round.
“Oh, I forgot you had xx. But then again, cut! Who really rarely tied you up, I’ve been tired of seeing you for four years, just buddy and my understanding, it’s not a minute to find a partner with a better figure than you. ”
When she heard that she was going to come and beat me, I grabbed my bag and ran downstairs, and then ran all the way in the direction of the school.
It was a strange feeling to run that day, the ground felt soft, and the legs were soft, like a deserter who had lost a battle and lost his armor.
In “Rope”, Abe Kobo says: Rope and stick are the two oldest tools of human beings, the stick prevents bad things from approaching, and the rope is to bind good things together. Each is the earliest idea of human beings for friends.
That night I dreamed that we were out camping, and in order not to get separated, we tied our hands together with a rope, but it was only a turning back, and she was gone, leaving only a lonely piece of rope.
After waking up, I looked at the time, half past twelve in the morning.
I messaged her and asked what she was doing. Do you want to go out for a drink?
She said that she was there for xx (her s) and it was inconvenient to come out.
I replied to her, “Okay.” ”
For some reason, when I closed my eyes this time, my mind was full of images of them rising and falling in the room, and the quilt was curled up in a ball.
At 00:41, I texted again, “You seem to be about to have a birthday.” ”
00:42 She replied, “Uh-huh”
At 00:53, I asked her, “What are you two doing?” ”
At 00:57, she replies, “Lying down”
01:14, I posted, “I just played the king with my roommate, they have good dishes, they can’t bring it”
She didn’t reply.
At 01:34, I posted, “Ready to sleep, good night.” ”
She still didn’t reply.
After putting down the phone, my eyes were as hot as being roasted by fire, and I understood why she didn’t reply to my messages, but I couldn’t help but want to talk to her.
As she and xx got closer and closer, our connection gradually flattened.
On her birthday, I prepared a gift to go to her, and at that time she was no longer living in the school and moved out to live with xx.
In that familiar downstairs, she came out in her pajamas.
In fact, before I came to see her, I made up my mind to say those four words, to shout them out loud, to live or die, to complete the first confession in my life.
But as soon as I saw her, my courage vanished.
She seems to be a little fatter than before, and she has also done a new good-looking manicure, and she knows that she is in love at a glance.
If a friend of four years suddenly confesses to her, it will definitely add a lot of trouble to her.
And it’s a birthday again, so why put her in an awkward position?
Hey, or I owe it to me, why not let go in a chic way, let her be happy from now on, how happy is it?
So I stuffed the gift to her and asked her with a smile, “You and xx…… Is it in love? ”
She was a little embarrassed, “Count… Right. It’s a one-to-one relationship anyway. Then he returned to the appearance of a buddy, “You are not a small boss, hurry up and find a suitable one and talk about it, sometimes I really worry about you.” ”
I nodded and told her not to worry, “Hmm.” I’m looking for it, and it’s basically not far from ten. ”
She went upstairs with my present, and I watched her step up the stairs, first her head, then her body, then her feet, and finally disappear completely from my sight.
Like a full stop, although you know that it represents the end when you start writing, when you actually finish writing, there are still countless losses.
I wish she had poked her head out again and said, “Oh, I actually want to celebrate my birthday with you and come up and eat cake together.”
Unfortunately, it didn’t.
I paused for a long time, watching the last of the winds she swept through, and let it stir up a tsunami in my heart.
Later, we went our separate ways after graduation, and we only had a greeting for the New Year’s holidays.
I’ve heard that this is probably the best ending in a crush, where we all lie in memories when we are young, and occasionally think about it, and giggle for a long time.
At the time of writing, three years had passed before I realized that my birthday would be the last time we would see each other.
Knowing that this was the final separation, I would have looked up and taken a good look at your smile one more time. It’s a pity that I didn’t even dare to look at her with the greatest courage that day.
Maybe that’s what crush is.
When you look at me, I always avoid your gaze;
When you were far away from me, I looked at your back for a long, long time.